I’m sorry I haven’t made a blog post in a while but I’ve just been getting some well-deserved rest after my exams and before I start the second semester. Furthermore, there was a subject I wanted to talk about but I didn’t know how to approach it.
It all started over a week ago when one of my friends made a blog post about isolation and I could relate to it on many levels. That was the first time I considered talking about this on my blog. Then, one or two days after that, one of my favourite youtubers, JacksGap, made a video about mental health that everyone should definitely watch.
I’ve struggled this whole week on how to write this, knowing I really wanted to talk about it on here. I was just watching Jack’s video again when I found the strength to start writing this and just write about my personal experience.
I’ve always been a shy person and I’ve always enjoyed spending time on my own, just listening to music or reading a book, but lately I feel like I’ve been isolating myself even more. I’ve never been that girl that has loads of friends, but I had enough and I was always perfectly okay with that. Lately though, I feel like I don’t even know who’s there anymore.
Over the past few years, I’ve lost too many friendships to count, so I guess you could say I’m used to it. Well, I’m not. Feeling like I was the only one keeping a friendship going, I eventually stopped trying, wanting to see if the other person would do anything about it. Most of the times, they didn’t and when I realised, I’d lost a friend. It was too late and I was too scared to get the friendship back, afraid that I would end up hurt again. I still am. Since the summer ended and a new year of university started, I began to feel more and more that way: that with some of my friends (not all, thankfully) I was the only one making an effort. And I got more and more lonely. Since I went to university, I haven’t made that many friends. I get along with people but when it comes to people I really consider close friends, there’s only a couple of them. In the first year of uni, it didn’t really bother me, probably because I kept in touch with my friends and we saw each other almost every week. However, this hasn’t been the case since uni started again. We’ve all been busier and it became harder to meet. Between a few disagreements with one of my best friends and other stuff going on with my life, I found myself not knowing who to trust.
There’s also the fact that some time ago I stopped texting my friends, because I was always the one texting first and I wanted to see who’d bother texting if I didn’t. Newsflash: I can count with the fingers of one hand the friends who texted me in January, which brings me back to not knowing who’s there anymore.
I’ve always found it difficult talking about my problems. I’m more the type who listens to my friends and gives them advice, pushing my problems to the back of my mind. But then it’s 2a.m. and I can’t sleep because of my thoughts. There’s one problem though: I don’t want to bother anyone and even if I didn’t mind that, who would I talk to? There are a few people I can think about: one of them, my closest friend from uni, is surely asleep at 2a.m. and the other, the girl whose post motivated me to write this and who has become one of my closest friends in the past year, would surely listen to me, but I don’t want to bother her with my problems. I could also talk to my “internet” friends, the ones that have been there for me more than some of my “real” friends in the past months and that is why I don’t want to bother them with yet another thing. Who’s next? Probably the people I used to text until really late… It’s a shame I haven’t properly talked to two of them in like four years and the other two, I know I can trust them with everything but at the same time I don’t. Why is that, you might ask? Because of how much I changed in 2014 and because I’m stupid, to be honest. I wasn’t going to write about this, but now that I started I think I need to. Because I’m talking about my two best friends and it’s been the three of us for years, but it doesn’t feel like it anymore. What I mean by this is that I feel like they don’t need me anymore. I don’t remember the last time I had a proper chat with any of them and even though I’ve been the one distancing myself a bit, they haven’t made any efforts to change that. And it might sound hypocritical of me to pull away and want them to be there at the same time, but I just need some assurance they’re still there. I’m probably over-reacting or maybe it’s the loneliness or the late-night thoughts, but I’m having a hard time figuring out who I can trust. Because even though I do forgive, it doesn’t mean I just forget and my trust was broken too many times last year for me to be able to fully trust someone right now.
To be honest, most of the days I’m okay, fine even, but then there are days when it all becomes too much: my thoughts, the loneliness, the lack of trust I have on people… And I used to be okay with keeping it all in until I was not. And Jack’s video just made me realise I should really talk about it and, if not to a friend, I could write about it here. It took me a week to finally do it, but I can honestly say I feel relieved right now.
Thank you if you bothered reading this.
Until next time,