When words feel like a slap in the face…

I’ve been staring at my laptop for the past ten minutes not knowing where to start this. I guess I’ll just go ahead and tell you a short version of what happened.

Almost two months ago, something happened between one of my best friend’s and I (let’s call her A from now on). Both of us and our other best friend (let’s call her B) were supposed to have a night out together along with other people. It had been a while since we had spent some quality time together so I was quite excited. I rarely see A so I was really looking forward to it. On the week we were supposed to meet, B told me that A wasn’t sure she was going after all, so I immediately texted A, not wanting to believe she was backing out almost at last minute. I missed her a lot and it would be another time I wouldn’t see her. It was true though, she had decided not to go anymore. I tried not to let it get to me but it upset me a bit and A knew I was mad at her. After a few days it was her birthday and of course I wasn’t going to not wish her a happy birthday just because I was a bit upset (I mean, what kind of best friend would that make me?). Nonetheless, she was quite surprised I talked to her, because she thought I was mad. I told her I was but it wasn’t the right day to talk about it, I didn’t want to upset her on her birthday. A week went by without any contact between us and even though we’ve gone some weeks without talking, it felt different this time. So I decided to reach out to her, sending her a text explaining my point of view, explaining why I was upset, in hopes of settling things right. Things didn’t go like that, though, not at all. The thing about being best friends with A and B is that somehow over the past few years the arguments I have are always with B. It doesn’t mean I love her any less, it’s just the type of people we are, I guess. But with A, I don’t remember ever having a big fight. I guess I could say I’ve been slapped in the face by B (both in literal and not literal ways, by the way) a fair amount of times, so deep down I’m not surprised if it ends up happening again. We always work it out in the end and that’s what matters to me. But that’s not how it is with A and maybe that’s why it only takes a couple of right (or should I say wrong?) words for it to feel worse than any slap in the face. And that’s what happened…

When I texted her trying to make things go back to normal, it ended up in us arguing over text. She told me that when it came to the three of us she was always the one making an effort, which is basically the same as saying I don’t put any effort in our friendship and that, let me tell you, is a complete lie. And that’s what made me snap. I would’ve probably tolerated it if she had said other things but not this. I might have many flaws but I’m not going to stand back and let any of my best friends say I don’t make any efforts in our friend when it couldn’t be a bigger lie. I’d do anything for my best friends and having my effort questioned like that hurt. I called her out on it, telling her she couldn’t say that. She said I was right and we all made efforts but the damage had been done. I wasn’t even mad at her anymore for missing our night out, I was hurt and bitter about having what I’ve done in this friendship downgraded like that. Maybe it’s because I’m not used to fight with A and I didn’t really know what to do. And maybe I did overreact and maybe I’m acting childish or even like a bitch, but if she’s the one always making efforts, she might want to keep making them, because I won’t be making any effort in my friendship with A anytime soon. If she comes to me, I’ll try to be the friend I’ve always been. I don’t even know if I should expect her to apologise or not. I just know I miss her and these past months there were times I almost reached out to her, but I’m tired because usually I’m the one reaching out and I’m committed in trying to make things right and apparently none of this is appreciated by her, so I’m not going to waste my time.

I hadn’t talked to anyone about this because the majority of my friends know A and I really didn’t want to put them in that position, so it feels good to actually let it out. I’m better than I thought I’d be, though. I’m stuck in between “I miss you” and “I’m surprisingly okay with not talking to you”. I think deep down I just hope things will work out somehow but really I just don’t want my summer to get ruined by this.

It’s funny though: eight or nine years ago, B and I would playfully slap each other but as we grow older, we go from playful slaps to mean words that hurt more than actual slapping. I guess that’s just one more thing that comes with growing up…

Jo xx

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2 thoughts on “When words feel like a slap in the face…

  1. Sometimes the people most important to you, hurt/disappoint you the hardest. Which is really sad! But I hope things sooner or later will get solved again!

    Liked by 1 person

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