So I’m finally done with my exams (hopefully I don’t have to re-take any of them). I had my last exam today (or yesterday since it’s now past one in the morning) and I actually thought it had gone well, but throughout the day I realised I might have done a couple of things wrong and now I’m not so sure about how it went…
I was actually going to write on here in the afternoon but I was just so tired that I didn’t feel like doing anything productive. I told myself I’d do it tomorrow but apparently I’m doing it sooner than I thought. I was actually pretty exhausted when I decided to go to bed even before midnight but things are never that simple, are they?
Falling asleep before 3a.m. has been an issue for the past weeks. I had my exam in the morning so last night I tried even harder to fall asleep earlier, but it didn’t happen. I tried listening to music to calm down, I turned and turned in bed and nothing. Friday morning, waking up was pretty hard. To make it worse, I was actually in a mood. I didn’t feel like seeing anyone (or rather, interact with anyone) and I just wanted to get my exam over and done with. Since I couldn’t know I’d be in such a mood, I’d agreed to meet my best friend for lunch. I hadn’t seen her since the new year started so I was looking forward to seeing her, even if I wasn’t looking forward to being around people. We went to an american diner and the few hours I spent with her did more good than she can ever begin to imagine. We said goodbye and I went to the mall in search of a couple of books but it was a waste of time, because I ended up not finding anything that I wanted. It was a rainy day and by the time I got home my mood was alternating between matching the weather and wanting to dance in the rain. Knowing what would get me in better spirits, I went to the attic to play a couple of songs on the electronic keyboard and by the time I stopped, I was feeling much better, still tired but that couldn’t be helped.
Fast forward to midnight and I’m getting under the covers, actually thinking I’d be able to fall asleep at a nice hour. I decided to listen to music for a while and as I was listening to a song I knew I’d have to put that song on replay and just fall asleep listening to it or my thoughts would get the best of me. Unfortunately, all it took was one little thought about my exam today for me to feel all the sleepiness going away. Instead, there was now this tightening in my chest, this pressure, and taking a deep breath didn’t make it go away. I know the feeling all to well, it’s the anxiety threatening to come. I know I’m not going to sleep now, so I put my music on shuffle and decided to read what seemed to be a worthy story on wattpad (it wasn’t, by the way), but I can’t completely ignore the feeling in my chest. A sudden thought pops in my mind: “you know what would help? Writing would help, sharing it on your blog would even more” and that’s how we got here. It’s not like I’d be able to sleep anyway…
But you know what? The pressure got smaller and breathing got easier. I don’t usually write about his on here, because it doesn’t happen a lot, fortunately, and I’m not doing it to worry anyone. I’m doing it because writing helps me, but it helps even more if I share it and sharing my thoughts is the purpose of this blog. I’m doing it because it makes it easier to breathe normally. I’m doing it because hopefully now I’ll be able to sleep. I’m doing it because I believe reading through other people experiences can help and if my posts help even one single person, then I’d call it a win.
Believe it or not, as I’m writing this, the feeling in my chest is gone and I’m in a much better mood, happy even. Taking deep breaths is working now. I’m feeling super tired though, both physically and mentally, which is probably a consequence of this whole thing, so I’m going to get some sleep (here’s hoping I only wake up in like 12 hours).
I promise I’ll be back really soon, hopefully with a less heavy post. I hope you’re all having a good day/night!
Until next time,
a very tired Jo xx