Since I got home 20 minutes ago, I’ve been trying to decide whether I should write this or not. Because I know there’s a chance one of my friends will read this and I don’t want to upset anyone, I don’t want them to get the wrong idea, but really I just need to clear my mind.
I went out for dinner tonight with my best friends, the non-uni friends, the old friends. And I love them, man, don’t I love them… They mean so so much to me! We hadn’t been all together in so long and it felt so wonderful!
Except… it felt different. I used to rely on them so much, they used to be the people I trusted the most, the people I felt safest and most comfortable with. But something changed. I still trust them and feel happy and safe and comfortable around them but there was something different. There was something missing. I was thinking about this all the time it took me to get back home and only after did I realise. I love them with my heart but… there’s so much I don’t know about their everyday life and there’s so much they don’t know about mine. And that’s okay. But like we were talking and I realised one of them hadn’t told me something and then I thought about it and realised there was also quite a few things about my life I hadn’t told them about. And we don’t share the same background, we don’t share the same routines, we have different lives.So it was kind of normal that even though I felt like I always feel around them, 1% of me felt uneasy, out of place.
Two weeks ago I had a night out with a couple of girl friends from uni. And I couldn’t help thinking back to it. Because even though I know less about their lives outside of uni and they don’t know much about mine as well, we share the same environment. Conversation flows easier because there’s all those details you don’t need to explain, all that unspoken shared knowledge Because they understand, they know that place, they know that teacher…
Before starting being more sociable at uni, I didn’t really understand how easily my friends had developed such strong friendships with people from their courses, till it happened to me. I mean, from my first year of uni I did have one or two really close friends but besides that… I just didn’t get it. Till I started opening up to people, and what I got in return was better than I could have ever imagined. It’s the niceness of people on a everyday basis, the nicknames you’d never really gotten before, the conversations, the smallest of actions… All of that just has made me feel so happy and safe and comfortable at university (even if I do still get plenty of social “anxiety” when I’m around people I don’t know). All of that just has made me feel something I’d never felt with my “old” friends. I’d watched it happen to some of them but I didn’t get it. But now I do. Because I feel it.
My old friends were (right after music) my safe place, my escape, but now it’s university. They still make me happy and safe but so do people at uni. They’re my best friends but people from uni are my people. I feel that now.
People change… I’ve changed…